A Blast From the Past

I found the following story on my old floppy disks. Enjoy…

As We’d Like to Imagine
written by Melanie Birdsey and Dana Vanzanten
with the help of occasional guest writers
(Maren Dick)

“I don’t think Melanie would approve.” This from Vincent, ever concerned about the welfare of lustful fans.
“Melanie who?” enquired Chris, the lustful yet sexually repressed drummer.
“You remember” said Kevin, “she’s friends with Dana and Lee.” Chris still looked blank and puzzled.
“The menage a sept, remember?” said Kevin, jokingly elbowing Chris.
“Geez, don’t you remember June 12, 1992? I mean Dana, man, and you.” replied Chris’s younger brother Tom.
From around the door, peered Melanie’s lovely face. Turning back to Dana she whispered “Did you hear him. He’s making fun of us. Do you think he was?”
Dana rolled her doe-like misty eyes back into her head replying only to say ” I guess we’ll never know”.
Melanie began to cry, a single pearl-like tear rolling down her cheek. Light reflecting from this tear nearly blinded Kevin. Dana didn’t even see the tear because her eyes were stuck in her head. Suddenly Lee came to where they were lounging. She was not wearing her glasses as she stated that she was having a good sight day. She sat down beside Chris after tripping over a chair and falling into his lap. Chris, smiling like a dog, thrilled from this intrusion of his personal lap space, questioned “Who are you?”
“Lee. Don’t you remember?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. Don’t you usually wear glasses?”
Lee, offended that she had not been recognized without her glasses, shrieked “Can’t you see I’m having a good sight day?”
Meanwhile, Tom was busy slapping the back of Dana’s head, trying to get her eyes to roll back forward. Dana kept falling over and getting back up but it was no use. They’d just have to call her Whitey.
Melanie, apparently disappointed of the lack of attention being paid to her, walked over to Vincent, innocently said “Hello, what is your name Vincent?”
Confused, yet sexually aroused, he turned the question around. “Vincent. Hello, what is your name Melanie?” Apparently the two were destined to be together as no one else could possibly be on the same wave length.
At the same time, Dana was discovering similar feelings for Tom, who had succeeded in freeing one of her eyeballs. Although the other was still stuck, she could see that he was quite good looking. With concern, and great deal of lust, he asked if he should take her to the hospital. Dana replied, with an equal amount of lust, that she would love to go to the hospital with him. Just imagine, their own clinically sterile room. What could be more romantic?
Lee had begun to realize that she was not having that good of a sight day. She was also thinking that Chris was rather, well, sexually repressed so she went to find her spectacles, with Kevin in tow. After asking for his assistance, he gratefully accepted. However, Lee forgot to mention that the two would first get their noses pierced so that while in tow, she could attach a fine 24 karat gold chain from her nostril to his.
Chris was now alone -sad, sick, crying. “Damn sexual repression”, he screamed, beating his fists on a chair, “my father couldn’t bother to play the kind of role a child required. Instead of trying he retired.”
Meanwhile, Melanie and Vincent were staring deeply into … a bowl of cream of leek soup. They discovered that they had that in common too. Melanie suggested looking for their future in the soup. So far it was creamy, very creamy. Melanie, believing this was a premonition, took Vincent’s hand. Staring at his palm, she announced “we’re getting married. It says so. It’s in your palm.”
Vincent said passionately “Okay. I love… your sweater, Melanie. Is it old?”
“Heck, my La Bamba tape is older than this.” Melanie replied, secretly happy that he had been so taken by it.

From the Vineyards to the Spice rack: The Saga Continues

After the wedding, Melanie and Vincent rushed straight to the hospital. Dana had just had eye surgery and the prognosis wasn’t good. It seems that her eyes had focused on her frontal lobe. When the doctors’ had operated it became apparent that there was no visible reason for her eyes to remain stuck in her head other than that they were curious of her mind. Vincent was preoccupied by Melanie’s newly developed habit of shoving mini marshmallows up her nose. Apparently, she had already set a province-wide record for jumbo marshmallows and was anxious to challenge Dana, when she was feeling up to it. It was apparent now that Dana was forever doomed only to see her brain. The government was now interested in using her for intensive psychological studies. Tom was crying, heartbroken. He had dreamt of the day when Dana would unroll her eyes and gaze longingly into his. He had especially hoped that day would be today as his complexion was very clear. He realized that Dana’s regained sight was not a reality so he consoled her. He whispered quietly in her ear “I’ll be there and I will care. Sometimes it’s like I’m not but I am here”.
A nurse, who strangely looked like Eleanor Roosevelt entered the room. She said to Tom, “Hey don’t you work drive-through Fridays at McDonalds?”
“Actually, I had to change to Thursdays. We’ve been playing a lot on Fridays.”
“Playing?” said Eleanor. “Who are you?”
Tom ignored her. One of Dana’s eyeballs had begun to flutter. A hush fell over the room. Staring at Dana’s batting eyelashes, their eyes made contact with Dana’s. Miraculously, they had become unstuck. Her eyes slowly began to focus. Unfortunately for Tom, they focused past him, at the small table where her dinner lay.
“Ginger! There’s ginger on my poached salmon! I love Ginger!”
Everyone clapped. At the same time Kevin reentered the room as he had excused himself moments earlier to relieve himself. Crushed that he had missed this monumental miracle, he ran out of the room in shame never to return. As he ran through the hospitals corridors his singing was heard, “memories kill me reminding me of you, reminding me of you”. Their happiness over Dana’s recovery dimmed. Kevin was gone. Their babe appeal was now diminished by 25%. “What’s happened?” sobbed Melanie. “Has Dana gained sight only to witness destruction?” She fell weeping into Vincent’s arms.
“No, my love. We will rise from the ashes like the mighty phoenix.” He leapt to his feet, tossing Melanie aside. Silence fell again.
“We shall be … GINGER!!!!”
Dana was experiencing eye strain and Tom wanted to be left alone with his love as he had heard that eye contact can strengthen relationships. Lee had already left in search of Kevin. She too never returned. Melanie and Vincent gave Dana and Tom congratulatory winks as they left for their honeymoon. The day had been a success. Dana and Tom decided to get married so they could join Melanie and Vincent on a joint honeymoon before Ginger became a reality. They decided to tour Canada in a Comfort Cruiser, beginning in St. Thomas and ending in Penticton. They were hoping to run into their old friend Shawn and his wife Deb. It had been rumoured that Shawn was Chris’s long-lost twin, as well as being an excellent drummer.
After the first day of driving, they arrived in Stoney Point, Ontario. The locals had been very kind in sharing it’s history. Melanie, abhorrent that the government had changed the spelling of Stony to Stoney, wrote a letter to Ottawa addressing the problem. Unfortunately, she did not double check her spelling and she accidentally misspelled Stony anyway.
With a glance upwards into the moonlit sky, Dana cried out “I’ m not inspired!”
“Not inspired? With this moonlit night , these starry skies?”, Tom cried.
“Dammit,” Dana screamed ‘BUGS!”
“I’ll save you my love” cried Tom, flyswatter in one hand and a can of bug spray in the other.
“Melanie, are you all right?”, cried Vince. A swarm of bugs had gathered around her.
“Oh, don’t be silly. I was a camp counsellor. Insects are your friends. We have bonded.” Melanie chortled. “Don’t look so squirmish. They’ll go away.” Putting her arm around Vincent, she suggested, “Let’s put out the porch light.”
Vincent, fond of being in the dark with his true love, reached over to the red brick to turn out the light. Unfortunately, the wall was incredibly far away and he missed his goal. He and Melanie fell backwards out of their chair, violently striking their heads. Once again, a trip to the hospital seemed imminent. But no, Tom was studying to be a doctor and was ready to save his afflicted friends. Pediatrics was his dream, his goal. Melanie and Vincent, much like children, would serve him well.
“I’ll take it from here,” Tom said, pushing Dana aside. “Where does it hurt, bubba wubba?” Tom cooed.
“Nowhere!”, Melanie and Vince cried in unison, leaping to their feet.” We’re fine. It’s a miracle.” they said softly, gazing into each other’s eyes. This collision of the minds had brought them closer together. Not only were they married by spirit but also by the mental. Mentality is always the closest bond. After setting the chair back up, Melanie and Vince, decided to go look for the Dickee Dee boy. Since the asparagus truck had gone under, Dickee Dee was all that was left. [I cuss, you cuss, we all cuss for asparagus. thank you Gary Larson]
Ringing his bell, Chris yelled out “Space Jets! Drumsticks! Fudgesicles! All under a dollar!” As he yelled he saw Vincent and Melanie walking hand in hand towards him on the small dirt path.
“Vince, Mel!” he cried, all the while beating himself, as he inwardly thought “Damn sexual repression!”
“Chris!”they cried. [What’s with this speaking in unison thing anyway?]
“Hey, guys want a free fudgsicle?”
“Hmm.” they bent over the well-stocked cart.
“Honey, what do you want?”
They barely noticed a stick-thin figure coming down the street. But Chris’s heart was fluttering. This could be it . As the figure walked closer, Chris nervously checked his hair in the reflection of the bell and wiped his sweating palms on his jeans. The young man, Jean-Paul (according to his name tag) asked Chris if he had any gum.
“What do you think I am, a convenience store?”
“Yeah, that’s what they all say.”
Jean-Paul stared at Chris as if he were a piece of chewing gum. “I didn’t mean to offend but man you are a little high strung”
“No, REALLY, I’m not. My instruments are finely tuned. I’m more a travelling one-man band.” With this, Chris disengaged the bell from the cart and pulled a foot-operated drum from the freezer. From his back pocket he produced a kazoo and a beanie with a propeller on top.
“Do you know how to play ‘Au Claire de la Lune’?
“But of course” and with this Chris rocked into an utterly amazing techno/grunge/disco version of ‘Au Claire de la Lune’. Jean-Paul clasped his hands in glee at this newly updated tune. Then sighing, he leaned on the Dickee Dee cart, closed his eyes and listened intently to the ethereal music. Vincent and Melanie began dancing, slowly at first, and then Melanie, began gyrating around Vincent, thrashing herself, in time to the kazoo. Vincent did too. Melanie wildly flung her Birkenstocks off, binging Jean-Paul off the head, whereby he fell backwards, lodging himself in the Dickie Dee cart.
“Tom!!”, they all cried.
Dana, back at the bed and breakfast inn, heard their cries. With the hearing of a rabbit, she was able to hear up to a mile away. Nudging Tom, she dropped dead. Oh, no. Oops, typo. Let’s continue.
Nudging Tom, she said, “Our friends are in danger. We must rush to their aid.”
Tom’s eyes glowed. “I’ll bring the Children’s Tylenol. They’re now easier to swallow.” He darted purposefully into the bathroom.
Meanwhile, Melanie, sitting on the grass beside Vincent, had a vision of a long lost love. He was hot and he was cycling, but deep in her heart she knew Vincent was the only man for her. Reaching for Vincent’s hand, she reassured herself of her love for him.
Vince, feeling the death grip on his hand, came back from his vision too. He only thought he saw his mentor Elvis. But feeling the grip he remembered he hated Elvis. He turned and looked blankly into Melanie’s eyes.
“Elv… Mel?”
She turned away, her doe-like eyes cast downward. Vince felt a lump in his throat and turned away. The moment was gone.
But a new one had just begun as they were interrupted by the running footsteps of Tom followed by Dana.
“What happened? Where does it hurt?” Tom asked, his eyes searching Melanie and Vincent for visible injuries.
“It’s not us. It’s him” Melanie and Vincent chorused, pointing to Jean-Paul, twisted and tormented in the spokes of the front wheel. The bell was still dinging, the bike handles swaying in the night.
“Ooh, look. Fudgsicles only 59c. Can’t beat that now, can you?” Dana said, opening the cart and helping herself, unaware of Jean-Paul’s mangled body.
Tom, seeing Jean-Paul, crouched down on his knees to get a closer look. “Seems that you’ve gotten yourself a little boo-boo.”
Reaching in to his pocket, he pulled out a sucker. “Green lime. How’d ya like a little candy. It’ll make the pain go away.”
How’s that for an unresolved situation? Well to tell the truth it won’t do. Yes, we’ll carry on, much to everyone’s delight. Now where were we? Oh, yes …Gladstone, Manitoba.
“Let’s go to a movie” said Tom.
“Oh, yes I LOVE local culture!” said Vincent.
“Yay!” said Melanie and Dana, clapping their hands in glee. It was unanimous. Movies it would be. But first the four of them would go out for dinner at the local chinese restaurant. But which restaurant to choose? They decided to stroll around and decide. Chinese Buffet of Fu Lam City? No, too trendy. Trends suck. Once you get in them you just can’t get out. Hmm. China Town. No … too Oriental. Lucky Gardens. Well … NO-LOOK_IT’S …THE CHINERY! YES!YES!YES! The Chinery it would be. Yes, destiny was calling. It was saying “Table for four?
Melanie replied “Yes, but leave room for our spiritual friends. HA!HA!HA! (spirited laughter)”
The hostess eyed Melanie assuming that she was truly insane. The other three merely laughed. They understand Melanie and accept her for who she is.
to be continued at a later date
Future plot
In a small quiet village, Melanie spots her mentor, a Canadian author. She is a recluse. She wrote a meaningful teen angst novel and is now living in a cabin in the woods. She has a strict lentil, whole wheat, sprouts, etc. diet. Buddhism is her thing. Melanie runs up to her and she turns to her and says “I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE” in a slight accent. She is wearing a purple scarf on her head and cat rim sunglasses. Chris is also in this village and he is fascinated with famous people. He has spotted the author and knows where she lives. Due to his identity complex, he has become a peeping Tom. Gripping Chris by the shoulders, Tom shakes him, yelling “You’re not Tom. You can’t be me. You’re Chris. You are a peeping Chris.” Anyway, that’s the gist of what we’ve planned for you as of yet.


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