Releasing the prisoner and other intentions

“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering ‘it will be happier’…” – Alfred Tennyson

As 2013 comes to a close, I am trying to remember what events transpired. What did I do, where did I go, what did I learn? It’s all bit of a blur.

I spend too much time in my head. Next year I want to spend less time thinking about me and more time doing things for others. It is way too easy to get caught up in rumination and fear. Too much of life passes by, completely unspent. Wasteful.

Life is too short. That’s what I learned. In 2014, I want to GET OVER stuff. I want to stop whining, stop annoying myself, and just try to enjoy a minute without analyzing, obsessing, and ruminating over how I’m not living the moment up to its potential. I blinked recently and when I opened my eyes I saw how much my life has changed in the past few years. Time is not going to pause for me. I need to enjoy my life now. Screw the resentments, boredoms, annoyances and heartaches that plague everyone. I have no time for that. Gotta just look at the stuff I like and stop to smile and take it all in… because, whether I like it or not, the times they are a-changin’.

I am not perfect. I’ve always known this but for some reason I seem to beat myself up for my failings. You know what? I don’t like getting up in the morning. I don’t like walking to the bus stop. I don’t like wearing bras. I don’t like cleaning toilets. I don’t like sweeping, mopping, washing dishes, and vacuuming. Oh, and I don’t like socializing very much either. There I said it. I do these things but in 2014 I’m not going to apologize for disliking them. Oh yeah, and I have a big butt and thick legs. That’s how it goes.

I decided today to participate in Ali Edward’s One Little Word. Could not stop myself from signing up. Chose my word. RELEASE. Told my husband. Fits of laughter ensued. Apparently he thinks my word pertains to Prison, Sex, and/or Prison sex. Um, no, not my intentions for the word. Actually, hadn’t even occurred to me. Thanks for the input though.

I found by the end of 2013 I was feeling empty and listless. Kind of “what’s the point?” malaise. Ok, yeah, another word for it might be depression. Wouldn’t be the first time. The advent of Christmas was more stressful than I would have liked. I just felt sad. I didn’t even do all the seasonal stuff I normally try to do. For the past five years I’ve put a lot of effort into making the season “magical” for my kids. This year I simply let them play and make their own magic. Craft projects and Christmas cards could wait until next year. I just couldn’t be bothered and I didn’t think the world would stop spinning. Christmas still happened. Luckily, by the time we set off on our Christmas trip to my parents, the fog of my mood had lifted. I felt a wee bit festive. While my mood sucked, I did like the freedom of not having to live up to all these unnecessary expectations I have for myself. Enough is enough.

So, for 2014 I want to focus on the word “release”.

Release of worry and fear. I am in the grips of fear a lot. I don’t know that this is doable but I’ll keep working on/managing it.

Release of shame, regrets and resentments. Ok yeah, I’ve failed things. I’ve made mistakes. Words haunt me. Stupid events haunt me. LET IT GO. Who cares. We live. We die. This will not be how I am remembered. People who judge me need a new hobby.

Release of the past. Now this one is tricky. I have so many good associations with the past and they keep me just as busy ruminating as any bad experiences. I get all caught up in the “good ole days”. My remembrances of being a child are well… childish. Some crazy part of me seems to think I need to be the perfect mother and give my kids the perfect childhood just like little girl Melanie imagined. Or I need to recreate the wonderful childhood memories that stick out in my mind. I need to relax and realize I am giving my kids their own great memories. They’re lucky and loved just like I am.

Release expectations. Mine. Humanity. Good people. Bad people. My kids. Customer Service. Whatever. Whoever. The cat. Yes, I’d like everyone to be perfect. I’d like the world to be perfect. I’d like to be perfect. See next item.

Release perfection. See above.

Release of pressure. A big ole sigh of relief. Breathing deeply again. A weight off my shoulders. I need to leeeettt gooooooo.

Release my sadness. Crying is cathartic and yet I don’t really cry much because I don’t like to and it hurts my eyes. I think I might try it again anyway. Hey, what are you looking at? Allergies, man, allergies.

Release my children. That sounds weird. I am really struggling with this one. My youngest will be heading off to school in the fall. Kindergarten is now a full day program. In my mind, I still had two more years of half days with him. I feel like that gift of time has just been ripped away from me. Yet, I think he is ready for school and will enjoy it. I will miss this period of my life. Sure, it was exhausting. There were countless times I just wanted some time ALONE! I couldn’t imagine “free time”. I’ve always viewed a child’s formative first five years as sacred. A little cocoon of bonding for us. I didn’t expect it to come and go so quickly. Suddenly, the house will be empty again for hours at a time. I don’t feel ready for it. It scares me. I have to focus on the new things I will be able to do. Not all is lost even though I feel lost.

Release my creativity. Release artwork. What I will do when my house is too quiet and empty during school hours. I will have the time to pursue my art again.

Release the need to please others. Release the habit of caring what other people think. WHY oh WHY do I care so much over what people think of me? Especially people I don’t even like. What is WITH that? As for people I do like, it would benefit me to have the inner strength to have grace when being judged.

Release anger. Although I am a pacifist and abhor violence, I have to admit I carry a lot of anger inside of me. Perhaps this is my number one concern only because my anger is a result of all the other things I need to release. I am angry because I am frustrated, hurt and fearful. The only way to release the anger is to let go of shame, resentment, expectations, disappointments, and fear. I have to stop caring about the opinions of others. My journey is my own. It doesn’t have to be understood, accepted, or permitted by others. It is mine and mine alone.

This is it. 2014. I’m going to live it as best I know how. Imperfectly perfect. Perfectly imperfect. With humour. And a whole lot of love under that furrowed brow of mine.

Oh, and I didn’t edit this post. I’m living life on the edge, peeps.

Happy New Year!

Here’s a picture because I heard all blog posts need a picture.

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5 thoughts on “Releasing the prisoner and other intentions

  1. Miranda says:

    What a beautiful brave post. Thanks Melanie. I’ve struggled with wanting things to be perfect. But, having had some good counselling I can say that’s now in the past. Ten years on I feel happier, and less angry. Good luck with your journey. Hugs from Australia, xm

    Like

  2. shannonw says:

    Oh Melanie.. I truly love your blog posts girl! I can relate to so much of them, and I am happy to be back to taking the time to sit and relax with a cup of coffee and enjoy your words. You inspire me.
    Living a perfectly imperfect lives sounds absolutely heavenly to me.. I think I may just try that myself!

    Like

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