I want to fix this and I can’t.

My heart still breaks for people I don’t know. My thoughts are still on the grieving parents of Newtown. I don’t know their names.  Today, I bought 26 sympathy cards. They had the perfect sentiment. It gave the message that is in my heart. I got home and didn’t know what to do with them. I don’t know where to send them. I’m not sure I want to. Will they just be lost in the other 1000s of cards? Will they just cause more sadness? They won’t fix anything. They have no magic potion in them. They won’t reverse time. Is sending them more for my personal healing? I don’t know. My heart said to buy the cards but it isn’t saying to send them. I will wait. I will listen. I will know when to use those cards but I don’t think it is today.

In lighter news, I am thinking of my One Little Word. Last week, I changed my word from Strength to Authentic. I want to be stronger in my life. Yet, that seems like it is either something I can’t attain, or will never do well enough. What is my measure of strength? Will I always expect more of myself? Will I feel defeated because I’m too harsh a critic? I changed my word to authentic. I think if I am true to myself and to the world, I will become stronger as a result. Stronger in mind, body and soul.

Tonight, while thinking about the sympathy cards, I thought about my word. Then I thought about the word “listen” and wondered if that is the word I should have chosen. Lately, I am listening to myself more. There is a stillness within me. There is an elastic band of tension within me. There is also this deep need to make sense and to find a place in this world. Listening to myself, I’ve noticed two things:

One, I am very angry and short tempered. I am cursing in my thoughts when I didn’t before. I am stewing. It shows outwardly in my furrowed brow. More importantly, it shows to my daughter. Yesterday, she told me I had my sad face on. I didn’t realize I had. I guess she was seeing how I felt, and it wasn’t pretty.

Two, I’m looking for answers within. I’m listening to my heart when it tells me to do something, and I’m not reacting when it is silent. I am patiently waiting until my heart responds again. It might even be possible I am building empathy for myself. Possibly. Respect for myself. Important.

I laughed when I pondered the idea of changing my word again. I’m not going to change it but it amused me to think I’d even have that thought. I realized that again, my word “authentic” is busy at work threading itself into my thoughts and actions. I am being my word. I am being authentic by listening and responding to myself. I can’t be real if I don’t even know who I am, now can I?

Having One Little Word has made me more aware of words in general. I am very curious to see where this project takes me. It feels a bit like an experiment.

I can’t control the world, I can’t fix horribly sad events and heartbreak, and I’m struggling to see meaning, goodness, and beauty in this world. I don’t know what to DO. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how to make peace. Yet, I have to say, this project gives me hope. I think there is beauty and goodness in taking a word and living it with intent, in hopes of improving life for oneself and others. Having hope is a very good thing. I know because my heart just told me so.

authenticolw_j13

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5 thoughts on “I want to fix this and I can’t.

  1. Casey says:

    WOW! You are so brave for posting this – way to go… I too am doing One Little Word… I can’t wait to see where this takes you! BE BRAVE you can do this…

    Like

  2. Missus Wookie says:

    Oh it is hard knowing what to do. I received some great advice from a friend – that she got from her very wise grandma. “Always send a card if you think you should, everyone appreciates being thought of.”

    I know when my brother died I received cards and messages for months and always appreciated them. Still do when I get a comment from someone and it’s been three years.

    Like

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