Ahem…

Alrighty, is this the place to mention that I write blog posts in my head when I’m taking a bath, or lying in bed at night?Sometimes when I’m cooking? Then I go to write them and they dissipate before my very eyes?

My most recent went a little something like this:

Emotions. Mountain tops and sea bottoms.

I am sad. Sometimes. A lot of the time. Occasionally. All of the above. Call it biology. Call it chemistry. Call it disposition. Call it the human condition. I wish I were a different type of person sometimes. Maybe that’s part of the problem? Blessing, curse, or neither. I am hypersensitive. I have trouble blocking out the unnecessary noise in my life. It wears me down. I get angry for feeling sad when I am such a lucky person. I have everything. I am informed enough to know there is a world around me that has serious, life threatening problems. I’m educated enough to know synapses don’t always fire the way we like. I’m sensitive enough to know that I shouldn’t beat myself up for struggling with feeling down even though I’m so lucky. Constant conversation in my head, this one.

I am angry. I mostly keep it in my head. Sometimes I am raging in my head. Yesterday for example. I call them the “shoulds”. In life, there really are no set rules and no one HAS to follow them. Such is a thing called “free will”. We’re all led by an internal moral compass but for whatever reason, we can’t always see it clearly or we blatantly disregard it. We fog it up with all this crazy stuff thrown at us in life. I have these ideas about how people should behave. SHOULD is the key word. When people fail to live up to my high expectations I get angry. People SHOULD drive carefully. People SHOULD use their turn signals. People SHOULD say “please” after they tell you your total at the cash register. People SHOULD help you when you’re in their service department (Yes, I’m talking to you media centre section of IKEA). People SHOULD not kill each other. Small stuff like that. Yesterday, it was mostly traffic related. Struggling with “Shoulds” is a heavy burden to carry. I cannot control the world so yes, I can honestly say I do have “control issues”. It only makes me anxious, overwhelmed, and then angry. Most of the time, I have some anger but lately it is bubbling. Maybe I’m just low in iron… seriously, that could be it. Or maybe, I’m struggling with knowing there is so much badness in the world. So much that doesn’t ever seem to stop. I know there is so much beauty around us. I know there is so much goodness in most people. Yet, I am struggling to find that balance. Outside of my family & friend cocoon, it all feels rather empty. I feel like I’m surrounded by insanity. I think my current mood imbalance is a reaction to insanity. Stop it, people. Seriously, you SHOULD stop! Heh.

You know what keeps me sane, from joining the insanity? My husband and my children. My husband “gets” me. He really does. He is very supportive and understanding. My kids are so pure and innocent. They can drive me up the wall, because they’re uh, kids, but they are so LOVE in its purest form. This morning, I let myself live in the moment as much as possible. My son and I played games and coloured. He sat in my lap and we watched Handy Manny. We cleaned. Stuff we do everyday but I didn’t think about anything else. I didn’t let my mind run its usual mile a minute thought process. Just focused on the NOW. What made me really happy? When we picked up my daughter off the bus and first thing out of my son’s mouth to his sister was “we had SO MUCH FUN today!” I think my heart sighed. Then we headed home and made a snowman before going in for our lunch.

Ta ta for now. Happy Tuesday, almost Wednesday!