I’m feeling overwhelmed. I have that drowning feeling. It’s small and manageable for now. I keep telling myself “one thought at a time”.
I have a good life. I’m blessed with a wonderful family, some good friends, a good job, a more than adequate standard of living (clean water, heat, shelter, worries over gaining weight rather than malnourishment), a comfortable living space, and relatively good health. There isn’t much more I can ask for.
Yet, I am overwhelmed with being overwhelmed. It tires me. A pervasive sadness grabs me when I’m least expecting it. I am trying so hard to become less sensitive and to strengthen my will. I am a work in progress.
My parents are on vacation for two weeks. I’m happy that they are able to take vacations. Nothing pleases me more than their happiness. However, I hate these times when they’re gone. For one thing, I am way too dependant on their existence. I look forward to talking with my Mom daily. It doesn’t matter what we discuss as I just enjoy her company, and find comfort in her voice. When they are away, I am aware of their absence and my loneliness increases. I remind myself that they will return and I find other ways to fill my time.
However, these absences remind me of my parents’ mortality. They won’t be here forever. I worry that something bad could happen to them while they are away and I might never see them again. Of course, that could happen any time on any day when they’re only living 20 minutes away. More so, I am forced to acknowledge my dependency to them and realize that someday the absence will be permanent. These occasional weeks will become the rest of my life. How will I find the strength to continue in a world where they are not within my reach? It is that thought that makes their being away so difficult. I know when the time comes I will survive. I just question what kind of existence it will be.
Ok, next post I’ll try to be more positive.